Are there any more 'nun' jokes?
09.06.2025 10:22
Three nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter.
Nun-alcoholic.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
How do you fight the push and pull (manipulation) tactic if you want to win him?
99 nuns gasp one nun in the back giggles.
1 nun gasps, 99 nuns giggle.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
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Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
“Yes sister?”
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It’s a plane!”
“Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!”
The fourth one ducks
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The priest takes his putter and puts the ball towards the hole, in what should be in incredibly easy shot. Unfortunately, the ball skims the side of the hole and overshoots, coming to rest just next to it.
What do you call two nuns that don’t have family in common?
The old nun immediately had a stroke.
Why did my ex-narcissist move so fast with his new supply marriage engagement moving in, etc.?
“I wasn’t going to.” Mother Superior replies, “I was just going to ask why you were wearing the Bishop’s slippers?”
She replied with: “I can’t help it, I have a bad habit.”
“Get your own fucking blanket.”
Why does my crush make me jealous about having a girlfriend?
Nun-jas.
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Again, the Nun warns him.
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, “I don’t.”
The Leprechaun then turns and decks the hungover Leprechaun straight on to the floor and yells. “YE IDJIT!!! WE FUCKED A PENGUIN!!”
We must stop this nun scents.
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What do a person with a lisp and a nun have in common?
The second nun said “that’s great! The carrots are doing great too, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke
“I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
A knock comes from the door.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
What are the best examples of reverse psychology?
Nun #4: *taps Nun #3 on the shoulder and says* “Do mind if I gargle with that water before you sit in it?”
At the green, again the priest takes his shot, but the ball rolls past the hole, coming to a stop just a few inches away from it.
“Thank ye Mother,” states the Leprechaun “My first question is this; would there happen to be a Leprechaun Nun in this nunnery?”
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
Clean Nun Jokes
With the help of our selection of adult nun jokes, enter the world of humor for grownups. With a splash of some glamour, these jokes are made to make you laugh.
[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
The other nun looks down and says, “You’re wearing the priest’s shoes”
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
One has hope in her soul
Note:
“Let me fetch you a blanket Father,” she replies and goes and gets him one. He thanks her but is still cold. After a few minutes he says “It’s still really cold on the couch Sister.”
Nun-fiction.
The nun agrees, “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”
The second nun replies hesitantly, “Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand.”
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, “Listen, I better go next because I’m not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it.”
Cloisters.
Get ready for a craic-filled time with our collection of Irish nun jokes! These jokes blend the charm of the Irish with the humor of nuns, resulting in a unique and delightful combination.
Knock Knock Nun Jokes
What do you call a holy woman that works in your office?
The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on.
What do you call a flag with a nun on it?
My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun
How many nuns have a husband?
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write: ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished?’”
She had a nasty habit.
Nun-precedented.
Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, “Sister, have you got a pen?”
Funny Nun Jokes
“It’s an honor to meet you, mother superior! We have some questions.”
If a nun went to college, what would be her major?
… when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It’s getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says “I don’t think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I’ll take the couch, you can have the bed.” She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the night the priest says “Sister it sure is cold on this couch.”
What’s a nun’s favorite weapon?
A naive young priest is sent to New York City…
The nun responded: “should have looked higher, you would have seen the nicest pair of balls. I also don’t want to go to Afghanistan!”
She responds “oh no I would certainly remember that”
What’s a nun’s favorite answer to a multiple choice question?
Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.
St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
Works best with your most over the top Irish accent.
2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.
I wrote a novel about religious women.
“Do want a q**… for ten bucks?”
The library put it in the nun fiction section.
The bartender says, “What is this? A joke?”
What’s a nun behind a stroller?
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, “Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!”
Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun?
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
What do you call a group of nuns with swords?
Why can’t a nun disagree with a priest?
She was nun-derpaid.
“No! It’s Nun of the Above!”
The man says, “Well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”
“Oh, faith and begorrah! That’s gruesome!” screamed the nuns, running away.
The first nun responds, “Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there’s not enough for everybody. The nun says “we need to save the children!” The politician yells back “SCREW THE CHILDREN!” The priest looks at the politician and says “Do we have time?”
Three nuns walk into a bar
“Is that when you swore?”
After a while the hippie asks the nun “hey you, wanna fuck?”
Feeling bad he says, “Actually sister I’m not Catholic”.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender also asks them.
St. Peter says to the first nun, “Sister, you’ve lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?” The nun looks serious and answers him, “St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a young novice and naive about the world, I gave a man a hand job in the confessional.”
100 Nuns
The leprechaun grins. “if not in Ireland I know there are convents all over gods creation. Perhaps one is there?”
… and while waking through the park is approached by a s**…-clad p**….
One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”
The nun replies, “$20, same as in town”
I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.
What did the nun say when she couldn’t believe what was happening?
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
A priest is doing some community work downtown…
Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a flasher.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
“Och! Come back!” the Scot shouted after them. “It just grew some more!”
The bartender is surprised and then asks them
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office
Fi-nun-ce.
This happens another 12 times, by now the nun is pissed off, she bumps in to Mother Superior who smiles at her.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door. She says, “Who is it?”
Who won the race between the priest and the nun?
Nun.
In response to the news I just said “Holy fuck!”
A man, his wife, a group of nuns, a priest, a rabbi, Little Johnny, an American, a Russian, an Irishman, an Indian, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a cop, a king, a lawyer, a politician, and a dog walk into a bar.
“We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates.”
“What is it?!” asks the second nun.
The answer is “Nun of the above”.
Sister Mary: “Who is it?”
He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
The nun frowns “If there was not one in Ireland I have to doubt there would be one anywhere on earth”
Hilarious Nun Jokes
St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Water and then you may enter they Kingdom of Heaven.”
With these spotless jokes, we highlight the funnier side of nuns, so come along on a happy journey packed with chuckles and good-natured humor!
A pen-nun-t.
It is Okay, I used a c**….
They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car…
A nun and a priest are playing golf
“Is that true father?”
The hung over Leprechaun, at this response, starts to look very worried, and the hot headed one looks extremely angry about something.
Otherwise, they’re getting nun.
Nun are safe.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**… man.
Nun-related.
A nun, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.
“We understand there are no leprechaun nuns here now. Has there been any in your tenure?”
Because it’s a bad habit.
I can’t stop making nun jokes.
Dirty Nun Jokes
“Top of the morning to ye, mother! We come with a question. Are there any leprechaun nuns here?”
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
What do you call the never-before-seen nun outfit?
“Terrible news, Mother Superior. We’ve discovered a case of syphilis in the convent.”
Why do priests have s**… with altar boys?
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies, “Eve.”
As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.
The nun replies, “Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?”
So a man walks into confession and says “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. The priest says “What have you done, my son?”
Slim to Nun?
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“Why of course,” says the driver. “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rolls down the window and screams out at the small creature, “Get the f**k off our car, you little c**ksucker!”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.
The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven.
They’re creatures of habit.
A nun, a priest and a politician…
The rabbi behind them saw it in time to duck.
What did the nun say when she wanted to get everyone’s attention?
“Are you kidding?!” the priest said. “You can’t do that. 100 Hail Mary’s and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?”
After the officers disappear the soldier leaves the dress and says: “thank you so much! I don’t want to go to Afghanistan! My apologies, but I got to say that you have a nice pair of legs.”
Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“Then,” continues Sister Michael, “he stopped and pulled down his trousers.”
The first nun quickly replied, “The garden of Eden”.
How much fun did the priest have at the weekend ?
She’s nun-touchable.
“Well,” replies Sister Michael, “After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress.”
you must be Catholic.”
A priest is walking down the street…
What do you call a women-led monastery?
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**… man.
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
Make preparations for a ribald trip with our selection of daringly dirty nun jokes if you want to engage in some spicy comedy and have a naughty sense of humor.
“Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blaspheme like that, surely the Lord will strike you down with lightning.”
“We know it’s not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here.”
“I’m sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?”
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“We know this is a sinful place, but the synagogue is just being renovated, and we thought we would sit here to discuss religious issues.”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, “Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.
Nun!
What do you call a naked nun?
The first nun asks, “What part did you get?”
“It’s a bird!”
Do you know how many women have been pope?
“Oh god dammit, how could I miss that!”, exclaims the priest.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
Two Irish nuns visited Scotland for the first time…
The taste.
… but now that I’ve met Sister Ruth, I’m confident I’d enjoy getting into the habit.
The first one says “I found n**… pictures on his desk so I tore them”.
“Father, watch your language. Take the Lord’s name in vain again, and surely He will strike you down with lightning.”
The first nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
“Oh God dammit, I missed again.”
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
What do you call it when a nun sins regularly?
But the nun replies “no, God forbids it!” And she gets out on the next stop.
A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**… stopped him and said, “Hey father, $20 for a b**….” The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**….
“Oh God dammit, I missed.”
What kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US…
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
Out of habit.
The second nun then said, “I was going through father’s drawers and found a box of condoms.”
An alcoholic priest and a fornicating nun were having a lively conversation as they walked into a bar.
A force of habit.
The deaf nun shouts “which priest you talking about?”
Three nuns are talking after having cleaned the priest’s desk.
“And,” Mother Superior continues, “the condom was broken.”
What does a nun wear under her habit?
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
Nun Jokes for Adults
“Same is in town, Father, $20”
Nun.
Sister Patrick stares in shock.
She said that needles were habit forming.
The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”
Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?
Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”
“This has to be a joke!”
What do you call a nun that does the same thing over and over?
She couldn’t see that well.
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
He doesn’t understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles “no thank you” and hurries Back to the church.
Petey: “Sister, wash you hands in this Holy Water and then you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
“And Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
Best Nun Jokes
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Two nuns are cycling through the old streets of Florence. Out of breath, the first nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
What did the nun say when she didn’t want to answer questions?
She thinks for a moment “I’ve read every book in our library twice, definitely no leprechaun nuns in our history”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Irish Nun Jokes
Knock! Knock!
I don’t flirt with nuns very often…
A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.
I realized why priests always have s**… scandals with boys
They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.
“Actually I am” says the cabbie.
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, would you like a Drink?’
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. “Oh no,” she says, “some a**…’s got my pen.”
In desperation, the nun with all the ideas suggests, “Show him your cross, sister.”
There are women around but they don’t want nun.
“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” says the passenger nun.
The priest doesn’t know what head is but he figures it’s bad if it is something she’s confessing to, so he gives her a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father.
“I poked holes in them.”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..
The nun sternly replied, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
A man walks into a bar…
Nun.
A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”
“Use the washer,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled it with Holy Water while we were at the Vatican.”
The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
He said, “Just a sister, who’s a spinster nun.”
Suddenly, there’s a huge thunder crash and bright flash of lightning, and the priest finds himself standing all alone on the golf course.
Priest and Nun Jokes
“Because,” explains Sister Michael, “a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!”
It’s time to unleash the hilarity with our knock-knock nun jokes! Brace yourself for a series of interactive and playful jokes that revolve around nuns.
Faith book.
Mother superior adjusts her glasses in disbelief at what she is seeing. “My goodness for such special guests please ask anything you wish”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
A horse walks into a bar…
He looks to the first nun and asks, “Where did the first woman live?”
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
“Anything father.”
On the third day, two Irish priests walk into the bar. The bartender asks one of them,
How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun?
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
Enter the world of holy hilarity with our collection of priest and nun jokes! These jokes delve into the humorous interactions, playful banter, and comical dynamics between priests and nuns.
How many religious women does it take to change a light bulb?
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Which character would a nun be in Star Wars?
I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
The third nun fainted.
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
4 nuns go to heaven
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
A nun is walking to church.
The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.
It’s incest to have sex with sisters.
I have an a-nun-cement.
Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.
A priest was confronted by a p**….
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun. “What was the name of the first woman?”
Later that day the priest is contemplating his day in the rectory garden when he sees a nun. He can’t get this “head” out of his head, so he asks the nun, “Sister, can I ask you a question? What’s head.”
Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: “have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?”
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
Nun who?
How many Women Priest are there?
100 nuns are meeting with the priest.
To make sure the other nun gets none.
The nun screams “DON’T ASK ME IF I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
I know a nun who says her nightly prayers in the shower.
Overhearing them, the Scot proudly turned toward them and raised his kilt, revealing a massive erection.
Nun.
“I’m telling everybody”
“Oh father, may I touch it?”
What does a nun’s asshole look like?
What kind of meat can a priest eat on Friday?
The leprechaun turns to his friend and says “see? I told you ya fucked a penguin”
The nun then climbs into the front seat and gives him the best blow job of his life. Really curls his toes.
Nun Jokes One Liners
If you guessed “Angel nun” you are wrong.
What do you have when you put 2 nuns and a hooker on a football field?
“Yes it is, sister.”
Sisters I must confess, I have had s**… s**… relations with a woman.
Lettuce pray.
Joshua, son of Nun.
NSFW
What type of books do nuns read?
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
99 nuns giggle, one in the back gasps.
What kind of fun do priests have?
You dress her up like an altar boy
A nun-profit.
And a h**… shouts and says, “$20 for a h**…!”, but the priest keeps walking.
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
“Why, my son?”
So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.
A cabbie picks up a nun…
The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, “Excuse me sister, I’ve always fantasised about having sex with a nun.”
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
The bartender says “that’ll be 2020”
Why wouldn’t a nun walk around in a bikini?
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
What do you call a Nun on the run?
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”
A priest and a nun …
From the door comes “It’s the blind guy!”
“Oh no Father, let me get you another blanket,” and up she gets and fetches him another.
Who’s there?
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
Drug dealers: “It’s a set up!”
Why are nuns so predictable?
Stag-nun-t.
Virgin Mobile.
Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
“Ten bucks same as in the park.”
“It’s only 10 a.m., and I’ve never seen you here before 11!”
The nun says “if it was God’s wish, I will obey” so they go behind a bush and start to fuck.
“If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?” begged the priest.
Did you hear about the lonely preacher who invited women to his birthday party?
“I’m 72 and just had s**… with two 25 year olds” he claimed.
She goes to pray at her father’s grave on the St. Martin graveyard every Sunday at 10AM”.
Virgin mobile.
The nun replied “Ten bucks same as in town.”
4 Nuns
Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.
The nun says: “To be nailed to crosses, to walk for years in boiling hot land and drown in a flood.” She then teleports to hell.
Why can’t you ever touch a nun?
Without missing a beat, the Mother Superior states “I know for a fact that there isn’t one with in this Nunnery”.
What do you call a nun’s cell phone?
“Yes I’ve never been to confession before. I’m Jewish.”
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
What’s the difference between a nun in church and a prostitute in a bathtub?
Two nuns walk into a bar.
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
“Hello nun” he says, “God told me I shall come to Earth to fuck with you!”
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal
With our selection of hilarious nun jokes, get ready for a ton of laughter! As we celebrate the funnier side of nuns, these belly-laughing jokes will have you in tears.
In walks the man and says, “Hi, now where do you want this blind?”
The angel infront of the gate asked the first nun “have you held a phallus” and the nun said “accidentally I touched the tip once” and the angel said “wash your finger tips in that basin of holy water and your sins would be cleared”, the angel asked the 2nd nun the same question and the 2nd nun said “I once held one in my palm for a brief second” and the angel said “wash your palm in that basin of holywater and your sins will be cleared, the 4th nun came in rushing before the 3rd nun and the angel said “calm down sister there is no need to rush ” and the nun said “I am not washing my mouth with that water after the 3rd sister washes her ass with it”
She felt nun-welcomed.
The nuns
Why did the church hire extra security guards?
3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat
St. Peter smiles and says, “Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Half an hour passes and the priest says “It’s still really cold on this couch sister, I don’t think the Lord would mind us acting like man and wife just for one night do you?”
“I agree,” the nun replies, “I don’t think he would mind if we acted like we were married, just for the one night.”
… are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m cold!” The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she’s OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
The first nun said “the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
It went nun-detected.
Nun of your business!
Confused, the priest replies “No thank you, my dear.”
“I burned them.”
“It’s the blind man,” comes the response.
“Well what about in any other convent in Ireland? Do you think one might be there?”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
To which the man asks, “So, have you ever tried it?”
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
A cardinal mistake.
Nun.
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
Okay, thinks the nun. “Come in then”.
Why do nuns always go places in pairs?
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
99 nuns gasp one in back giggles.
A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar
And the priest says: “To always have beer, weed and hookers.”
“I don’t want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I’ll explain later.” Said the man.
“Oh god dammit, I missed.”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
Nun.
She leads them up the stairs and down a long hallway to the office of mother superior. The one silent leprechaun continues staring sheepishly at the ground.
The second one says “good for you sister. I found condoms in his drawer so I put holes in them”.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
This is nun-believable.
Sorry, it’s a habit.
A roamin’ Catholic.
It was the priest, because he “pastor” a while back.
you have to be single and
hisses through the windshield even more menacingly.
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, “You know, I’ve heard they eat dogs in America.”
It’s nun of your business.
Why was the new nun sad?
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
The nun scolds the priest.
“GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN d**… BLANKET YA HARPY!”
4 nuns died and went to heaven
Seeing all this, the third nun in line taps the sister in front of her and says, “Sister, would it be ok if I cut in front of you in line?” The second nun says, “well, certainly sister, but why?” The third nun replies “I want to gargle that holy water before you stick your ass in it.”
The third nun fainted.
He’s nun-objectionable.
The hippie thanks him for the tip and gets off the bus.
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
Nun #2: “Saint Peter, forgive me, I once touched a man’s penis.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder nun.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
She does it out of habit.
Why was the nun upset about her new job?
A nun rolling down a hill.
A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God…
What did the priest say to get the nuns to stop spraying perfume?
If a nun’s robes were made of adamantium…
The bartender says, “why the long face?” The horse screams, “I will end you!” And bites the bartender in the t**…. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, “why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!”
she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
Mother superior strokes her chin “oh I doubt that. Certainly a story like that would have made it’s rounds through here by now.”
Why did the blind nun fall down the well?
Nun Solo.
A nun gets out of bed
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
Bad habits.
“It’s Superman!”
“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
Two Irish nuns were visiting Scotland for the first time when they saw a burly Scot wearing a traditional kilt. One nun whispered to the other, “Do ye suppose it’s true what they say? That they dinna wear anything underneath their kilts?”
“Father, I’m surprised to see you here.”
Mother Superior looks up, “Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis.”
The nun replies, “No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”
A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her…
“…fine…” The angered Leprechaun says, “There wouldn’t happen to be the slightest chance that there would be a Leprechaun Nun anywhere in this world?”
St Peter says to the nuns, “Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven.”
“I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
What’s the difference between an o**… and a r**… thermometer?
The first nun said, “I was going through father’s desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer.”
Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.
“Though I could wrong, but I do not believe that there is a Leprechaun Nun in Ireland” the Mother Superior responds.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
What do you call oyster nuns?
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
This time he’s starting to nod off when he’s again awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m still cold!” So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he’s almost asleep this time she calls again, “Father, Father, I’m sooo cold!” The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?” The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, “Yes Father, I’d like that!” To which the priest responds,
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
The bartender looks at the man and says, “Is that nun in here again?”
Well, the sisters all agree if he is blind, there’s no harm letting him in while they’re nude, and it is still *very* hot so they’d rather stay nude if they can… so they let him in and lock the door again.
After they’re done the hippie throws of his costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the hippie!”, then the nun throws off her costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the bus driver!”
What do you call nun in heaven?
I heard what you said to the nun, and I’ve got a little tip for you.
Nun-convent-ional.
St. Peter is surprised, but he tells her, “Well, sister, that was one tiny mistake in a lifetime of pious service. Wash your hands in the holy water, say 10 hail Marys and you can go on in to heaven.”
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
… but I’m willing to get into the habit.
“I’ve heard the same thing,” says the second.
Two tight-ends and a wide receiver!
Nun showed up.
Why did the nun get kicked out?
Nun-derwear.
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”
The other has soap in her hole.
…when he is propositioned by a h**….
The monk says: “To be ill with a plague, to be a slave and to live in darkness.” He then teleports to hell.
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and let’s get the fuck out of here.”
My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –
A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary…
“You are all going to hell!” he announces. “As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Each chosen will happen to you constantly forever.
She had a drug habit.
That’s a hard habit to break.
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
Nun-chucks.
Leprechaun nuns
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
The nun says, “Mother Superior told me.”
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
The nun replies. “That’s OK, my name is Bruce and I am going to fancy dress party.”
When she flies over, people say:
What kind of drinks do nuns drink?
And then a voice booms from above…
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Domi-nun-t.
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says, “Oh, that’s a hard one”.
Which Bible character didn’t have parents?
How much s**… does a priest have?
A priest is taking confession when a woman confesses to giving head…
What do you call an unusual home for nuns?
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
Nun.
The driver nun does so, but the tiny Dracula is still not dislodged and
I saw a nun wearing a concrete dress.
The blind guy comes in, sets some stuff down, looks around and says “Nice tits, sisters. Where do you want the blinds?”
Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.
“Only five years though. Not quite an expert. Has anyone been around a bit longer?” Asks the leprechaun.
“Well done!” Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying, “As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?”
The young nun is still shocked by their presence but answers “no, I’ve been here five years and there are no leprechaun nuns in this convent”
She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
“It must be the cobbles”, says the other.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
“Oh no” states the Mother Superior, “Though the possibility exists, why would they go away from their homeland to be a nun?”
Nun.
Female monasteries are nun-profit.
Nun.
“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.
“Oh mother superior has been here nearly sixty years and she would be able to answer any questions you have” responds the young nun
How did a prostitute become a nun?
Sister Patrick gasps. “Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?”
“Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what’s a b**…?”
She had a filthy habit.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Now, how about that drink?”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
On the next Sunday at 10AM, the hippie goes to the St. Martin graveyard in a Jesus costume and after a few minutes he finds the nun.
A young priest…
The younger one didn’t touch it.
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
“Correct!” Says St Peter. “You may enter.”
Through her “missionary” work course.
How much money do nuns have?
“Sure”, says the Mother Superior, “why not?”
A cab driver picks up a Nun…
What do you call an alpha nun?
I don’t sleep with too many nuns…
The angry Leprechaun, now steaming, takes a few moments without a word to blow off his sudden anger. After a few moments he says “Thank ye for yer time Mother.”
And the old nun says, “Twenty bucks, same as on the street.”
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”
Virgin Mobile.
“I’m afraid we have some bad news,” the Mother Superior says. “It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls.”
“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”
I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
The c**… had a hole in it.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”
My parents are really religious
A Bus Full Of Nuns….
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, “See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I’ll go right: he can’t follow us both. We’ll meet back at the Abbey.”
What do you call a nun on a bike?
The young priest said, “I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**…?”
The man exclaims,
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
Holey.
“Thank the Lord you are alright!”, exclaims Sister Patrick. “But what happened to that man?
“If it isn’t too much trouble, my friend and I have a couple of questions if you’re willing to answer them.” Says the hot-headed Leprechaun
Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, “hey sister what’s ‘head’?
Nun of the above.
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
What kind of kids do nuns help?
A priest was scolding a nun for exposing herself to the congregation multiple times…
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**… in it.
It’d be a hard habit to break.
“All right then” the Leprechaun continues “Do ye think there’d be a Leprechaun Nun within a Nunnery in all of Ireland?”
Dress her as an altar boy.
The man said, “I don’t have health insurance.”
No meat
Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint… and the AC isn’t working great (that’s getting fixed tomorrow). It’s a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they’re all sisters in Christ, they’ll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other clothes while painting so they aren’t sweating so much.
The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
What do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” you are wrong.
Nun-derprivileged.
Four nuns have just died
Excitedly the priest stands up and heads towards the bed…
The second nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
What did the priest say to the nun at the salad bar?
So the Mother Superior of an Irish nunnery is sitting in her office when suddenly two Leprechauns walk through her door; one looking like he was walking off a bad hangover and the other looking like he’s about to kill someone. After a short moment so that she could regain composure (because…you know…Leprechauns), she asks, “How can I help you two?”
How didn’t the nun know she’s been sick for years?
“Oh, you know,” says the nun, “$10, same as downtown.”
Nun.
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
……falls of a cliff and they all die.
Nun of your business.
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?
He asks again “you have studied the history of this convent. Any records of any leprechaun nuns in those archives?”
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, “what’s a q**…?”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.
A soldier approaches a nun.
Are you looking for the best nun comedy around? Don’t look elsewhere! The most hilarious nun jokes have been gathered by us, and they’re sure to make you laugh out loud.
Later that day, the priest asks a nun “what is a h**…?”
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
A few minutes later the hippie wants to get out too and right as he wants to leave the bus, the bus driver yells “hey you, hippie, come over here.
What do you call a nun that won’t work?
What’s a nun’s favorite fruit?
“Go ahead”, answered the nun.
Ba-nun-as.
“Hey Father, I’ll give the best b**… of your life for $10.”
Nun-functional.